its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
