oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
