My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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