Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
