if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
