Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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