Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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