update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Randomize
