this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize