i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
