I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
