end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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