her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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