you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
