I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
