I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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