could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
