I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
