I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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