I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
