I haven't been this sober since birth.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
