you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
