Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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