Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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