i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
