I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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