I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize