we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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