apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
