i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
