i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
