I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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