I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
