you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
