I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
