Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize