it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
