Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize