We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've blown a few things in my day
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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