Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
