it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
