I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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