I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
