If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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