Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
