I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize