I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
