Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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