she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
