I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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