My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
