So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
