I didn't shave. On purpose
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
