My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
