How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
