remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
