there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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