I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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